My sister is getting married at the beginning of November. Is this a precious time leading up to a joyous occasion? Sure, but as the older, single sister of the bride, it’s also a treasure trove of opportunities for lots of people to pity me with the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head or under-the-chin-chuck. People are original, they like to put their own spin on things, but it’s all variations on the theme of a gentle tongue click followed by “Good for you holding out for the right guy.” or “It’ll happen for you, too.”
Since the family old maid getting drunk and sobbing through her speech or doing the chicken dance during the Bride and Groom’s first dance is a horrible cliche, I’m spending the next few months coming up with alternative coping mechanisms. So far the list includes:
Catching the bouquet, spiking it into the face of the nearest groomsman, and then giving a speech about the patriarchy, literally any speech about the patriarchy; it doesn’t even have to make sense.
Taking a vitamin B12 shot. Would I like them to be tequila shots? Of course, but as an aging spinster, that just won’t do for health or decorum. Post-wedding I’ll be the healthiest I’ve ever been. Plus, a woman injecting herself with anything in the middle of a rehearsal dinner is pretty much guaranteed to deter anyone from approaching.
Giving the people what they want: weeping openly, rending my bridesmaid’s dress, leaving a trail of petals from the flowers in my bouquet: “nobody loves me,” “nobody loves me not.”
Playing really dumb and forcing people to awkwardly explain to me why they’re suddenly so sad at this party. “I’m next for what, Aunt June?”
Eating the entire cake. If my sister doesn’t know me well enough to order a back-up cake in case I eat an entire sheet cake before the wedding even starts, she doesn’t know me well at all.
Insisting on giving a heartfelt toast (even though there are to be no toasts) and then launching, without warning, into a monologue from Taming of the Shrew. “I remember when we were children, and NO SHAME BUT MINE.”
Elaborately faking a lot of online documentation proving that it’s a long held tradition that the maid of honor gets every fourth gift.
And as a very last resort, getting married the day before her wedding just to get it out of the way. Any takers?